"As long as you don't get your hopes up, you can take anything... You feel less pain."
-Squall

wanna listen to someone bitch? Go ahead read it and all its bitchyness glory! Mwah-fucking-HA!






Monday, April 12, 2004

 
Do you ever do that? Look at old things only to end up making yourself sick to your stomach. But it was like you had to, maybe its just me. Anyways I am doing that as we speak...why? not sure. I was checking my email then glanced over to the folders that have old shit in them. So I read it. Then cringe. Watching everything in a faster pace. Everything happen at once. Feeling painful chills run though me. Heh can't tell you why I do it. I wish didn't. I think I am sick...not sick as in ill I mean that I am a sick minded person. Heh I think I need something there to torture myself with..why dunno. I just need it. FUck you! Let go please, don't hold any tighter. I don't need this don't you get it. Oh but you do. Why? To feel pain. Why the hell would I need that? Geez you're that oblivious of the grand scheme of things, darling? Obviously. Doesn't that suck. Apparently. Too bad. Why? Can't say. Why not? Too easy. How is it too easy? Can't please you silly? Oh yeah I forgot. Yes, yes you did that is why I reminded you. Wasn't that nice, thank you. Your welcome, hunny. Say goodnight now, darling. Goodnight. *empty stare and evil grin*

ana held back tears at 10:08 PM


Sunday, April 11, 2004

 
ABOUT YOU...
:x: piercings: my ears both 3 times, but the first whole is gauged to a 2
:x: tattoos: nope but I want to get a shooting star on my back, right below my neck
:x: height: 5'4 I think
:x: hair color: dark brown with blonde tips, it was bleach then grew out and got cut and this was the result
:x: length: umm about and 1 ½ inches long
:x: age: 17
:x: birthday: 2/3/87
:x: school: the shit hole in construction called lowell high school
:x: eye color: shit brown, literally
:x: teeth ornaments: what? I have two permanent retainers it that’s what you mean
LAST...
:x: movie you rented: um jerry mcguire er something like that
:x: movie you bought: bought? fuck its been to long I don’t remember
:x: song you listened to: umm I am listening to music now actually lol its less than jake, malt liquor tastes better when you’ve got problems
:x: song that was stuck in your head: the one that I am listening to?
:x: cd you bought: bought? ummm Ani DiFranco, Dilate
:x: cd you listened to: umm less than jake, borders and boundaries plus more, it’s a burnt CD
:x: person you've called: Ashley
:x: person that's called you: Tim
:x: person you've hugged: my mommy
:x: person you've kissed: all the stuffed animals on my bed goodnight last night, Blue, Pikachu, Puffy, Ellie, Rose, Idontknow, Froggie, Ribbit, Emerald, Cerulean, Outlander, Mystic, Murphy, and Brownie
:x: person you've hit: probably my mom lol
:x: person you've fought with: fought how physically? that would be my dad probably
:x: person you complimented: my mom lol I said she had on a pretty shirt
:x: tv show you've watched: those spiffy circus shows on bravo
:x: class you went to: umm my last hour painting class on April 2nd
DO...
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else: yeah Iceland, but I dunno I wouldnt wanna leave my friends though
:x: you believe in online dating: hey whatever blows your hair back, I used to his name was Ian, I barely talk to him anymore, heh he was obsessed with the final fantasy games and I liked em too, he called me Tifa and I called him Cloud isn’t that sad? lol
:x: others find you attractive: I don’t see how it is humanly possible but I am told otherwise
:x: you want more piercings: yes’m I want my labret pierced
:x: you drink: sometimes
:x: you do drugs: no
:x: you smoke: no
:x: you write in cursive or print: print
:x: you carry donor card: no
:x: believe in long distance relationships: hey whatever pulls your socks up, I don’t think it would work well but then again I never tried
:x: believe in using someone: hell no
:x: believe in killing people: would you be scared of me if I said yes?
:x: believe in teenage smoking: If they want to whatever, I don’t
:x: believe in driving drunk: oh yes I encourage it so people can go driving around for joy rides and end up killing the innocent little kid on the bike and then the mother of the child breaks and goes on a killing spree to hunt down the bastard that did it to her child then goes to jail and fucks over her husband finacially because they both needed to work to support the other 4 children, lets turn the world into a hell! Don’t drive drunk you idiots!!
:x: believe in gay/lesbian relationship: yes *grins*
:x: you watch soap operas: I watch my moms with her somtimes I think its funny because my dad got sucked into watching All My Children too.
FAVORITE...
:x: food: ice cream
:x: drink: Mountian Dew
:x: song: I don’t have one really
:x: thing to do: be with DANA! Hehe I love you dana! WoOt!
:x: thing to talk about: weird shit, its funny to hear what people did when they were little once me, dana, ashley, and eric talked about how we were perverts when we were little atleast me and dana were, and how I used to make these huge scenes with my barbies and have barbie cheat on ken for another girl when I didn’t even know what homosexuality was and how I would chop off barbies hair and color it blue, heh look at me now I’m a bisexual girl with a hair dying obsession.
:x: sports: I don’t play sports but I like watching gymnastics and ice skating on TV
:x: movie: Labyrinth
:x: X-men: never got into x-men
:x: saying: I like a few quotes...
1. “I would rather have people hate me for who I am then like me for who I’m not.”
2. “As long as you don’t get your hopes up, you can take anything...you feel less pain.”
-Squall ff8
3. There’s no good or bad side. Just 2 sides holding different view.”
-Squall ff8
:x: disney movie: meaning the cartoons? umm little mermaid but if the disney channel original movies count then Zenon girl of the 21st century
:x: scent: curve for men, or turquoise seas, or bottled emotions playful
:x: word: Kinky!!
:x: nickname: for me? umm princess of bubble world
:x: guy name: Dameon or Jerith
:x: girl name: Selphie or Gadzooks
:x: eye color: dark brown
:x: flower: black rose
:x: piercing: lip, tongue, labret
:x: class: at the moment Chemistry because I love mr. Peterson it was still better when Dani was still here...I miss dani!!
HAVE YOU...
:x: ever cried over a guy: yes’m
:x: ever cried over a girl: yes’m
:x: ever lied to someone: yes
:x: ever been in a fist fight: nope, I’ve been threatened a million times but hey it looks like everyone is just dumb and all talk ha
:x: ever been arrested: no
:x: ever eaten frog legs: yes actually they tasted like chicken but I would never eat em again, I love froggies!
NUMBER...
:x: of times I have been in love: twice
:x: of times I have had my heart broken: quite a few times, it was broken repetitively by one person in particular...
:x: of hearts I have broken: at least one but probably more, maybe 2 I dunno, one of them seemed like I broke his heart but he was and ass so I dunno but just because you are an ass doesn’t mean you can’t have your heart broken
:x: of drugs taken illegally: none
:x: of things in my past that I regret: oh geez like 3,673,777,255,998 things!
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
:x: pretty: eww no
:x: funny: rarley
:x: hot: hell no
:x: friendly: I can be
:x: ugly: yes’m
:x: pessimistic: of course
:x: optimistic: there are some rare occasions yes
:x: caring: if I love you or like you yes
:x: sweet: to those I love...sometimes
:x: dorky: yes, alot
:x: stubborn: oh geez yes, try and get anyone in my family to change their view, you’d be trying until the day you die
:x: random: I can be yes
:x: spell your first name back wards: yeah all the time because ana backwards is ana
:x: the story behind your user name: BeautifulFreak73... I love the song beautiful freak by eels and I was in love with the numbers 7 and 3 and someone already had beautifulfreak
:x: are you straight: no
:x: where do you live: lowell indiana
:x: numbers in your cell phone: I don’t own one thank you
:x: shampoo: hmm I just noticed that this is under the ‘do you think you are...” catagorie so no I don’t think I am shampoo lol but anyways I use whatever is in the shower its always suave something or other but I love the juicy green apple stuff
:x: soap: dial but I use the suave body wash
DESCRIBE YOUR...
:x: wallet: its purple and fuzzy well it was fuzzy but its kinda matty now and it has a strawberry on it and it says fresh on it
:x: hairbrush: um its brown with black bristles not the plastic kind with little balls on the ends I dunno what its called
:x: toothbrush: umm its dark purple thats all I got lol
:x: jewelery worn daily: right wrist - pink hello kitty watch, a pink and a green jelly, a blue bangle, green beaded bracelet, and a little bracelet with square beads left wrist - big pink bangle, a pink and a green jelly, a rainbow beaded bracelet, blue beaded bracelet, and a little bracelet with square beads
:x: pillow cover: one is blue and the other is all multi colored with different shapes
:x: blanket: umm I have a blue sheet, 2 pink blankets, and heavy pretty blue and green blanket and a comforter that matches my pillow case
:x: coffee cup: um one is big and clear and the other has to cute snails on it although one looks demented lol
:x: sunglasses: I have some but I never wear them I think they are just black
:x: shoes: I have a lot but I think my fav are my rip off converse that are neon green and I drew all over them
:x: handbag: again I have a lot but the one in use is like knitted white yellow and orange with scattered sequence with a chuckie finster doll and 3 pins, one have spongebob on it, another says less than jake, and the other has rosie the riveter on it and is says chicks kick ass
:x: favorite top: uhh I dunno
:x: CD in stereo right now: in my room its cursive in here its less than jake anthem
:x: what you are wearing now: pj pants with sheep, clouds, and stars, and my wizard of oz drama shirt from last year
:x: hair: its all fluffy and froish
:x: make up: nothing
WHO or WHAT (was/is/are)...
:x: in my mouth: ummm easter candy
:x: in my head: umm this song, the science of selling yourself short by less than jake
:x: wishing: that were was no such thing as hate...
:x: after this: umm gunna eat easter dinner on this lovely commercialized holiday
:x: talking to: ryan, listening to him talk about his asian love from kansas, judy
:x: eating: easter candy damnit I told you this!
:x: fetishes: girls! umm albinos, asians, glasses, braces school girls, intellectuals , science geeks, obscure hair colors, big brown eyes, pantys, baggy pants and huge sweatshirts, short skirts, curves yum!
:x: if you could get away with it and murder anyone, who and for what reason: James Dean, not the famous person...ya know what I don’t even know if I could do that I think I would get there with the gun see him and piss my pants and start crying. I dunno he was an ass and manipulative.
:x: person you wish you could see right now: dana
:x: something you're looking forward to in this upcoming month: this month? umm battle of the bands
:x: something that you are deathly afraid of: anything that takes your breath away..drowning, suffocating, chocking..
:x: do you like candles: yes I got some in my easter basket
:x: hot wax: I like sticking my fingers in it lol and letting it harden
:x: do you like incense: yes it smells good but if there is too much I get a headache
:x: do you believe in love: yes
:x: do you believe in soul mates: yes
:x: do you believe in love at first sight: yeah happened to me once
:x: do you believe in forgiveness: for certain things, people can’t be forgiven for certain things, you can look past it though
:x: do you believe in God: nope
:x: who is your worst enemy: myself
:x: what is the latest you've ever stayed up: I think I have only stayed up all night into the next morning only to go to bed that afternoon
:x: can you eat with chopsticks: yes I have two pairs

ana held back tears at 3:25 PM


Sunday, April 04, 2004

 
I don't understand why some people get so upset over other people methods of happiness...just makes me want to hit someone. I just hate it when someone thinks that they are protecting someone else or something but are really making them miserable by doing it and smothering them. Get the fuck over the fact that you can't change that person and better your own fucking life, please and thank you.

************

Heh as always long time no see. I hate it when you find something that make you increadibly happy there always seems to be something there to fuck it up to some degree. Why can't what makes you happy be flawless? Well okay I guess that wouldn't be the best thing in the world either. I dunno I guess nothing it perfect and everything positive has an equal negative reaction and vis versa.
Someone told me a joke the other day and it wasn't funny, actually I cringed at the punchline and got sick to my stomach as the person who told it and someone else laughed. I mean yeah I find alot of sick humor funny but this...no.

Well I think that's it...really I am in a writing mood and have alot to say I just can't say it here. Too many things certain people can't read, even though I no like no one reads this but still, just in case.

ana held back tears at 10:14 PM


Saturday, March 13, 2004

 
Wow, been a while hasn't it? *runs and gets music* sorry I couldnt stand the silence. Heh the window is open in here and I can feel the cool breeze. *silently wishes for spring* I love spring...it just feels so good! ^_^ Ohohoh!! I am so very proud of myself! Isn't that scary lol? Wanna know what I did?! huh huh huh do ya? hehe *grins* I'll just show you what I wrote the day after...

3/3/04
"I'm done, I'm over him finally. And ironicly it all had to do with some unrelated connection that involved him in a way. Dana and I were ditched. Ditched by our friends. Intentional or not it killed me, but maybe it was a good thing. But nevertheless we never when to see Chris practice at Duncan's house. We were never called to go...and that same feeling of Zak ditching me flooded my body. My stomach turned until it took on a whirlpool effect and pathetic tears welled in my eyes. But I was dipped in sticky liquid hatred all aimed at Zak.
I hated that he could make me feel like some some pathetic lowly creature without feelings then turn it around with a warm hug and gentle kiss. He'd leave me there, broken-hearted and bleeding without looking back. Then he'd make everything "okay" again by feeding me his fucking sugar coated words...I can't believe you threaded my heart with strings, Zak. Why couldn't you just leave me alone after the first time we broke up? Why did you pull me back on some frivolous whim with those goddamn strings! Bound with those sickly, sweet words. Better yet why did you lie about why you left. "things were getting to serious and you weren't ready for a serious relationship?" How the hell were things serious? You left because we didn't do anything... I can't believe that you kept telling me that you loved me but couldnt do anythign about it...
I was waiting for these feelings to come, for so long. I got so enraged and started screaming to MSI. I got out all my precious Zachary A Duncan posessions and ripped everyone...everything is in my garbage now including his sweatshirt. My whole body shook at this release. I think it was confused...pain was leaving my body through non-destrutive behavior.
Well fuck you ZAK@!#!! I cut those fucking strings with your own fucking sword! The one you shoved through my heart. But you no longer wheild that sword forged with obsession, and the smile that came with the destroying of your pictures is still flitting across my lips at this moment. "

So I am over it, aren't you proud of me? I am! ^_^ FUCK YEAH!! hehe bye all.

ana held back tears at 12:38 PM


Sunday, February 29, 2004

 
gaahh...ummm *ahem* TESTING!!! there is something wrong with my blog don't mind me please and thank you hehe

Okay fixed hehe.

ana held back tears at 7:59 PM

 
***FF7 Quotes***

"People are ignorant. They'll feel better as long as someone is punished."
- Rufus
"What I have shown you is reality. What you remember... that is the illusion."
- Sephiroth
"You are just a puppet. You have no heart and cannot feel any pain."
- Seiphroth
"Too much hope is the opposite of despair... An overpowering love may consume you in the end."
- Vincent
"Escape from a world of illusions... Hmph... I wonder which is better."
- Vincent
"More nightmares will come to me now. More than I previously had."
- Vincent
"Sit down and drink your goddamn TEA!"
- Cid

***FF8 Quotes***

"I dreamt I was a moron"
- Squall
"As long as you don't get your hopes up, you can take anything... You feel less pain."
-Squall
"Right and wrong are now what separate us and our enemies. It's our different standpoints, our perspectives that separate us. Both sides blame one another. There's no good or bad side. Just 2 sides holding different views."
- Squall
"If you think and worry too much, everything tends to turn out bad."
-Quistis

***FF9 Quotes***

"Peace is but a shadow of Death,
Desperate to forget its painful past,
Though we hope for promising years,
After shedding a thousand tears,
Yesterday's sorrow constantly nears,
And while the moon shines blue,
By dawn, it will turn a scarlet hue."
- Kuja
"How do you prove that you exist? Maybe we don't exist..."
- Vivi
"The only dependable thing about the future is uncertainty"
-Amarant

***Earthbound Quotes***

"No, Giygas is no longer the wielder of Evil. He has become the embodiment of Evil itself, which he cannot control on his own. He is the Evil Power."
- Pokey
"Last night there was a solitare tournament....I lost my shirt...I'll invite you sometime. Hey, wait...do you even know what solitare is?"
- Guy in Monotoli Building
"At times like this, kids like you should be playing Nintendo games."
- Captain Strong

***Chrono Trigger Quotes****

"Thou hast lost thy friend before thine very eyes; there art no words to comfort thee."
- Frog
"...Give me your best shot. If you are prepared for the void!"
- Magus

ana held back tears at 12:24 AM


Saturday, February 28, 2004

 
I feel the need to said that for the first time I am talking to Chris Plant lol I feel special. Woo sorry this is pointless otherwise.

ana held back tears at 11:34 PM


Sunday, February 22, 2004

 
Damn its been a long time. I haven't been on the computer in forever and my last post was from school lol. Oh well. So yeah. Hmm I have no idea what to say. Now doesn't that suck. Oh I thought of something. Yeah the topic of Duncan has been coming out of everyones mouth latley. But yeah I have been thinking about something lately. I really hate the way that I still hold onto him. But I really want to be over that, really really. But I think that I have to learn to not let things get to me. I think I talked to Zach about this before but I think that actaully seeing Duncan in a social setting or converse with him. No I don't want him back, nor do I even want a friendship, I just wanna be over this. And maybe its just me but I think that doing something in that sense would give me closure and that is all that I have been looking for all along. I don't care if anyone who reads this thinks that I am some dumb obsessive bitch, I don't fucking want him like everyone thinks I still do. Yeah I go through things of his that I have now and again and I have been latley but to tell ya the truth its all been a part of me trying to forget. Remembering is the first step to forgetting. You can't forget somethign that has been repressed. Think what you want...but that is all I have been trying to do.

New topic. Yeah I got sick on Friday and had to come home from work. Then I didnt go to work yesterday either. I wasn't like seriously sick I just felt like shit. No fever or anything but I felt like I was gunna puke, but didn't. But yeah there was a concert for local bands on Friday I wanted to go so bad but couldn't, not that I could have in the first place cuz of work. And then last night my sister had a poetry reading that I wanted to go to but couldn't. I want to go out to coffee and talk dammit. All my friends have been doing that lately and I haven't gome once cuz of work. Yeah they are all hanging out with Barcus now, they keep saying Aaron and I get confused cuz I never knew him as Aaron only Barcus cuz of my brother. Damnit Zach take me out for coffee! lol We will sometime, we have to. And I swear if I ever get a car I will show up at your apartment someday lol. If I can get there lol. Hmmm damn I just pissed my whole fucking weekend with being sick. I was supposed to see Dana today but couldn't cuz of my sickyness. Yeah and I was going to go get fresh air and go for a walk ya know and end up at Dana's for a bit but noooo my dad had to be all poopy. blah on you. ANYWAYS! I think that I am gunna go now lol later all...sweetest of dreams.

ana held back tears at 6:00 PM



 

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